Spring Break! Lot's of fun for most people... a week of anxiety eating away at you for others because you have so much time to think.
So most of the friends who have told me about their anxiety after reading one of my blog posts have been teacher friends, co-workers actually. Once I started writing about anxiety people started coming out of the woodwork saying "Hey, yeah me too." It's crazy how many teachers struggle with this issue! Is it the state testing pressures? The generation of kids we are teaching? The ever increasing demands of a teacher's life? Too little praise and too much criticism? I mean we all know that this standardized testing business has nothing to do with the actual student and is a way for teachers to be held accountable for "doing their jobs". Did they really mean for us to all be on meds in the course of this? It's ridiculous to think of what the new standards, the new way of criticizing the public school system have actually done to the health of educators... and do they realize? Do they care? Someone should do a study.... not me, but someone.
So... my latest findings and feelings about this little parasite I am dealing with. Yes, I know that anxiety isn't Actually a parasite, it's a mental health issue. But I have decided mine is and I haven't quite named her yet but she sits constantly on my brain stem (this is my narrative version, not an exact science by the way) waiting for a chance to take over. She looms over me at night before bed waiting to attack with all of the worries and thoughts she can find that will disturb my slumber. When I'm alone (which was most of the week since Sam was working) she flutters about the darkest crevices of my mind influencing me with all of the worst things she can think of... Everyone is having fun right now but you! Everyone is so good and talented and skilled that you know... Look at that painting, that wreath, that canvas and you've got nothing! Look what a fun time everyone, Everyone is having without you. Yeah my little anxiety parasite is a... bad word she is.
Doppelganger... so then the longer this persisted, me keeping company with my anxiety (I even hold her to blame for my crazy dreams as of late) I noticed and Sam noticed as well me slowly becoming this shell of a person. I started to feel down. I'm not good enough, no talent, no hobbies, nothing interests me... I started to feel lonely... Maybe if we had a puppy I'd be okay... and then today I sat here thinking, dispassionate, unfeeling for the most part, that she had won. My anxiety was my doppelganger and had taken over every facet of my personality until there was no me left.
What am I to do? I'm outraged! I've got to fight back against that darned parasite! I cannot let an affliction, an obviously common affliction affect my life this way! I've got to take it back!
So I am, through prayer, meditation, and talking about it, well, writing about it. Words have always been soothing to my soul. If anyone else suffers from parasitic-anxiety-doppelganger syndrome (totally just made that up but it makes sense to me) don't let it happen my friends. Take it Back! Take what made you lovely and wonderful and blessed before anxiety attacked back. Be wonderful again.
Saturday, March 14, 2015
Monday, March 2, 2015
Change
I don't know about anyone else out there but the older I get the more change seems to FREAK ME OUT!
I look at myself some days and I wonder "When did I get to be such an 'old lady'?"
But it's not the actual change that revs up my anxiety. It's all the "what ifs" that come with it.
My anxiety didn't really start until I was over thirty, maybe that's the mind and body's breaking point on how much stress it can take... I really don't know. But I know once you become an adult, and you have to start adulating, things get hard!
Last night I couldn't sleep and so of course anxiety girl took over.
I began to realize that my first students I taught are Graduating this school year and how simultaneously proud and shocked that makes me feel.
I started thinking about job applications I have out now that I'm administrator certified and about how badly the idea of interviewing with strangers terrifies me. Or will I even get an interview?
I'm so comfortable with my current work situation, I love the place I work and the people I work with so much... I stress over finding that when I do become an administrator or if I work somewhere else.
Getting out of your comfort zone is hard when you're young. It's harder when you're an adult and you have to make life altering decisions. It's TERRIFYING when you have anxiety, and it's life altering, and you're supposed to be a responsible adult.
I hope it's not just me. :)
I look at myself some days and I wonder "When did I get to be such an 'old lady'?"
But it's not the actual change that revs up my anxiety. It's all the "what ifs" that come with it.
My anxiety didn't really start until I was over thirty, maybe that's the mind and body's breaking point on how much stress it can take... I really don't know. But I know once you become an adult, and you have to start adulating, things get hard!
Last night I couldn't sleep and so of course anxiety girl took over.
I began to realize that my first students I taught are Graduating this school year and how simultaneously proud and shocked that makes me feel.
I started thinking about job applications I have out now that I'm administrator certified and about how badly the idea of interviewing with strangers terrifies me. Or will I even get an interview?
I'm so comfortable with my current work situation, I love the place I work and the people I work with so much... I stress over finding that when I do become an administrator or if I work somewhere else.
Getting out of your comfort zone is hard when you're young. It's harder when you're an adult and you have to make life altering decisions. It's TERRIFYING when you have anxiety, and it's life altering, and you're supposed to be a responsible adult.
I hope it's not just me. :)
Monday, February 16, 2015
Driving in the Rain and Other Things I Despise
When I was in college I totaled my roommate's car. It was barely raining but the roads were nice and wet. We hit some loose gravel and hydroplaned all over the highway before plunging head-on into a tree. Needless to say I despise driving in the rain.
So this morning the anxiety was in high gear as the wind whipped my tiny car around Interstate-20, my tires occasionally skidding from the black water laying hazardously on the path before me. 18-wheelers flying by me blasting puddles up so high I have to put on my brakes because I can't see anything in front of me added to the frustration.
Other things I despise...
This weekend Sam and I watched Nightcrawler. After recently finishing the books Gone Girl and Serena and then watching Nightcrawler I can't help but wondering when we became a culture that glorifies the sociopath? Between the three novels/movies or soon to be movies, I can't help but wonder when this worship of totally psychotic fictional characters with no redeemable qualities takes over the real world we live in. It's concerning to me, it worries me, and I despise the acclaim such evil is getting these days. Is 2015 the year of the psychopath? I shudder to think.
A note on grapes....
A friend says two frozen grapes before bed helps with anxiety. I've also read confirmation that grapes have calming qualities. So eat your grapes y'all! Does wine count?
So this morning the anxiety was in high gear as the wind whipped my tiny car around Interstate-20, my tires occasionally skidding from the black water laying hazardously on the path before me. 18-wheelers flying by me blasting puddles up so high I have to put on my brakes because I can't see anything in front of me added to the frustration.
Other things I despise...
This weekend Sam and I watched Nightcrawler. After recently finishing the books Gone Girl and Serena and then watching Nightcrawler I can't help but wondering when we became a culture that glorifies the sociopath? Between the three novels/movies or soon to be movies, I can't help but wonder when this worship of totally psychotic fictional characters with no redeemable qualities takes over the real world we live in. It's concerning to me, it worries me, and I despise the acclaim such evil is getting these days. Is 2015 the year of the psychopath? I shudder to think.
A note on grapes....
A friend says two frozen grapes before bed helps with anxiety. I've also read confirmation that grapes have calming qualities. So eat your grapes y'all! Does wine count?
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Signs
The more I look at anxiety disorders the more I realize this devil has plagued my life before this past year.
I remember as a child being left with a babysitter fretting about what might happen to my parents while they were out and about. I worried myself to sleep about real life monsters; break-ins, murderers, car accidents, and house fires.
Some of the things people with general anxiety disorder do are: worry about things incessantly (especially those they have no control over), pick at the the skin around or bite their nails, pick the top layer of skin off their lips, rock themselves, or curl up into a ball to make themselves as small as possible. I've also noticed that I tend to rub my lips together until they become chapped when I'm extra anxious. These things we do don't make us weird, they are tics we cannot help displaying as our anxiety becomes unleashed.
A lot of people with anxiety disorders turn to self-medication: drugs and alcohol. I wouldn't recommend it as a cure unless you're all right with further damaging your already fragile body and psyche, possibly becoming an addict, and potentially disrupting the lives of those you care about most as well. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the occasional drink is bad, just that it isn't a treatment or a cure. The anxiety can't be willed away by the numbness of substance abuse.
When I exhibit these signs (as I realized I was rubbing my lips together constantly today making them more and more chapped) I know something, even if I don't know what (I often don't), is causing my anxiety to flare up. I know I need to take time to calm myself, focus on letting go and relaxing, and ultimately have my medication on hand should it become needed.
It seems I learn something new about this problem of mine every day. The more educated I am about it the easier it becomes to deal with. I hope others can relate. :)
I remember as a child being left with a babysitter fretting about what might happen to my parents while they were out and about. I worried myself to sleep about real life monsters; break-ins, murderers, car accidents, and house fires.
Some of the things people with general anxiety disorder do are: worry about things incessantly (especially those they have no control over), pick at the the skin around or bite their nails, pick the top layer of skin off their lips, rock themselves, or curl up into a ball to make themselves as small as possible. I've also noticed that I tend to rub my lips together until they become chapped when I'm extra anxious. These things we do don't make us weird, they are tics we cannot help displaying as our anxiety becomes unleashed.
A lot of people with anxiety disorders turn to self-medication: drugs and alcohol. I wouldn't recommend it as a cure unless you're all right with further damaging your already fragile body and psyche, possibly becoming an addict, and potentially disrupting the lives of those you care about most as well. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the occasional drink is bad, just that it isn't a treatment or a cure. The anxiety can't be willed away by the numbness of substance abuse.
When I exhibit these signs (as I realized I was rubbing my lips together constantly today making them more and more chapped) I know something, even if I don't know what (I often don't), is causing my anxiety to flare up. I know I need to take time to calm myself, focus on letting go and relaxing, and ultimately have my medication on hand should it become needed.
It seems I learn something new about this problem of mine every day. The more educated I am about it the easier it becomes to deal with. I hope others can relate. :)
Saturday, January 3, 2015
That Feeling...
I've done some research on my anxiety once I got out of that denial "Who me?" phase of things.
One of the best descriptions I've read of That Feeling is that it's like there is constantly a pack of hungry wolves at your back breathing down your neck ready to pounce.
For me it's a little different than that but just as scary.
All of a sudden there is a heavy weight, a pressure in my chest... it feels like a giant hand has thrust through my body and begun to squeeze my heart. That feeling ignites breathing issues, short panicked breathes caused by the very physically real feeling of pain that has manifested. The pressure doesn't relent and because I have anxiety it gets worse and worse. If you don't know what's happening to you it's easy to convince yourself you're dying or having a heart attack at the very least.
They say that this kind of anxiety affects more women than men and that many people go with it undiagnosed. Probably because we, women THINK TOO MUCH. We are the worriers, the nurturers, the ones that put the ones we feel are "ours" first, and Thinking and Worrying are the primary instigators of this panic.
Getting diagnosed is essential because this anxiety is Manageable with medication although it still isn't a cakewalk. A year of one kind of daily medication raised in potency a couple of times and I still get That Feeling... that tightness in my chest that gets worse the More I Think. I've had ups and downs, I have great days, great weeks, great months... and then I have months like this past month where the anxiety feels almost as bad as it did in the beginning. But I manage it day to day, week to week, and month to month... which makes the whole process way easier.
As long as I know this thing, my Nemesis, can be battled, and can happen and Does happen to more people than realize it I can deal with That Feeling... I can put a damper on the flames of panic that build up within me ready to snap. I can rationalize that I have this issue I have to deal with and I can keep it from wreaking havoc on my life. Anyone can with the right help.
One of the best descriptions I've read of That Feeling is that it's like there is constantly a pack of hungry wolves at your back breathing down your neck ready to pounce.
For me it's a little different than that but just as scary.
All of a sudden there is a heavy weight, a pressure in my chest... it feels like a giant hand has thrust through my body and begun to squeeze my heart. That feeling ignites breathing issues, short panicked breathes caused by the very physically real feeling of pain that has manifested. The pressure doesn't relent and because I have anxiety it gets worse and worse. If you don't know what's happening to you it's easy to convince yourself you're dying or having a heart attack at the very least.
They say that this kind of anxiety affects more women than men and that many people go with it undiagnosed. Probably because we, women THINK TOO MUCH. We are the worriers, the nurturers, the ones that put the ones we feel are "ours" first, and Thinking and Worrying are the primary instigators of this panic.
Getting diagnosed is essential because this anxiety is Manageable with medication although it still isn't a cakewalk. A year of one kind of daily medication raised in potency a couple of times and I still get That Feeling... that tightness in my chest that gets worse the More I Think. I've had ups and downs, I have great days, great weeks, great months... and then I have months like this past month where the anxiety feels almost as bad as it did in the beginning. But I manage it day to day, week to week, and month to month... which makes the whole process way easier.
As long as I know this thing, my Nemesis, can be battled, and can happen and Does happen to more people than realize it I can deal with That Feeling... I can put a damper on the flames of panic that build up within me ready to snap. I can rationalize that I have this issue I have to deal with and I can keep it from wreaking havoc on my life. Anyone can with the right help.
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