Teaching, Parasites, Doppelganger

Spring Break!  Lot's of fun for most people... a week of anxiety eating away at you for others because you have so much time to think.

So most of the friends who have told me about their anxiety after reading one of my blog posts have been teacher friends, co-workers actually.  Once I started writing about anxiety people started coming out of the woodwork saying "Hey, yeah me too."  It's crazy how many teachers struggle with this issue!  Is it the state testing pressures?  The generation of kids we are teaching?  The ever increasing demands of a teacher's life?  Too little praise and too much criticism?  I mean we all know that this standardized testing business has nothing to do with the actual student and is a way for teachers to be held accountable for "doing their jobs".  Did they really mean for us to all be on meds in the course of this?  It's ridiculous to think of what the new standards, the new way of criticizing the public school system have actually done to the health of educators... and do they realize?  Do they care?  Someone should do a study.... not me, but someone.

So... my latest findings and feelings about this little parasite I am dealing with.  Yes, I know that anxiety isn't Actually a parasite, it's a mental health issue.  But I have decided mine is and I haven't quite named her yet but she sits constantly on my brain stem (this is my narrative version, not an exact science by the way) waiting for a chance to take over.  She looms over me at night before bed waiting to attack with all of the worries and thoughts she can find that will disturb my slumber.  When I'm alone (which was most of the week since Sam was working) she flutters about the darkest crevices of my mind influencing me with all of the worst things she can think of... Everyone is having fun right now but you!  Everyone is so good and talented and skilled that you know... Look at that painting, that wreath, that canvas and you've got nothing!  Look what  a fun time everyone, Everyone is having without you.  Yeah my little anxiety parasite is a... bad word she is. 

Doppelganger... so then the longer this persisted, me keeping company with my anxiety (I even hold her to blame for my crazy dreams as of late) I noticed and Sam noticed as well me slowly becoming this shell of a person.  I started to feel down.  I'm not good enough, no talent, no hobbies, nothing interests me... I started to feel lonely... Maybe if we had a puppy I'd be okay... and then today I sat here thinking, dispassionate, unfeeling for the most part, that she had won.  My anxiety was my doppelganger and had taken over every facet of my personality until there was no me left. 

What am I to do?  I'm outraged!  I've got to fight back against that darned parasite!  I cannot let an affliction, an obviously common affliction affect my life this way!  I've got to take it back!

So I am, through prayer, meditation, and talking about it, well, writing about it.  Words have always been soothing to my soul.  If anyone else suffers from parasitic-anxiety-doppelganger syndrome (totally just made that up but it makes sense to me) don't let it happen my friends.  Take it Back!  Take what made you lovely and wonderful and blessed before anxiety attacked back.  Be wonderful again.

Change

I don't know about anyone else out there but the older I get the more change seems to FREAK ME OUT!

I look at myself some days and I wonder "When did I get to be such an 'old lady'?"

But it's not the actual change that revs up my anxiety.  It's all the "what ifs" that come with it.

My anxiety didn't really start until I was over thirty, maybe that's the mind and body's breaking point on how much stress it can take... I really don't know.  But I know once you become an adult, and you have to start adulating, things get hard!

Last night I couldn't sleep and so of course anxiety girl took over.

I began to realize that my first students I taught are Graduating this school year and how simultaneously proud and shocked that makes me feel.

I started thinking about job applications I have out now that I'm administrator certified and about how badly the idea of interviewing with strangers terrifies me.  Or will I even get an interview?

I'm so comfortable with my current work situation, I love the place I work and the people I work with so much... I stress over finding that when I do become an administrator or if I work somewhere else.

Getting out of your comfort zone is hard when you're young.  It's harder when you're an adult and you have to make life altering decisions.  It's TERRIFYING when you have anxiety, and it's life altering, and you're supposed to be a responsible adult.

I hope it's not just me. :)