The first time I had a panic attack was a year ago and I was on my 45 minute commute home from work.
My chest suddenly felt heavy, my breathing grew short, and the symptoms were so startling and sudden I cried.
Fortunately I made it home but not matter what I did, lying down in bed, taking deep breaths, taking a hot shower... nothing alleviated what I was feeling.
I got in the car and drove to my boyfriend's apartment. I just knew I was having a heart attack and that he was going to have to take me to the hospital.
Once there locked super tightly in the strength of his embrace, however, I felt better, not great, but better. I figured it was all in my head and that it would go away after sleep. Maybe it was just stress.
Two days later I sat in my doctor's office waiting for him to come in. The nurse entered and asked about my symptoms and it happened. I couldn't breath, I started full out panicking, and tears poured from my eyes. I kept telling her "my chest, my chest, I think it's my heart!"
She took one look at me and said "Sweetie, you're having a panic attack it's going to be okay. Lot's of people get them. The doctor will get you all fixed up with something that will help settle you down."
When she left my mind raced. In one point of view I was ecstatic, it had a name and it was common and it was treatable. In another part of my mind I was even more freaked out. Me? Having panic attacks? I'm tough, I'm a go-getter, I am not the kind of woman who freaks out over nothing... I have complete control...
But I didn't. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and given medication to help balance myself out.
Even with the medicine and the assurance I'm not "crazy" it is something I deal with daily.
The largest problem at the moment is that I see myself as a sane, rational woman, I know that the things, the worries I have that stimulate this panic in my are illogical. They are nonsensical. There is NO NEED to become upset by them.... but my body's response doesn't listen to logic.
It's taken a year to get this far with my illness, to talk about it, to really try to understand what's happening in my brain and it's effects on my body.
It's a constant exploration of triggers and knowing how to calm myself down in attempts to lessen the medication I have to take.
I'm writing this blog mostly to get my feelings out there about what I'm going through, I think it will be therapeutic. But also I'd like any other strong women out there who think their minds and their logic are failing them to know it's not your fault. This is a real illness and you have no control over it, but it can be overcome.
