The more I look at anxiety disorders the more I realize this devil has plagued my life before this past year.
I remember as a child being left with a babysitter fretting about what might happen to my parents while they were out and about. I worried myself to sleep about real life monsters; break-ins, murderers, car accidents, and house fires.
Some of the things people with general anxiety disorder do are: worry about things incessantly (especially those they have no control over), pick at the the skin around or bite their nails, pick the top layer of skin off their lips, rock themselves, or curl up into a ball to make themselves as small as possible. I've also noticed that I tend to rub my lips together until they become chapped when I'm extra anxious. These things we do don't make us weird, they are tics we cannot help displaying as our anxiety becomes unleashed.
A lot of people with anxiety disorders turn to self-medication: drugs and alcohol. I wouldn't recommend it as a cure unless you're all right with further damaging your already fragile body and psyche, possibly becoming an addict, and potentially disrupting the lives of those you care about most as well. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the occasional drink is bad, just that it isn't a treatment or a cure. The anxiety can't be willed away by the numbness of substance abuse.
When I exhibit these signs (as I realized I was rubbing my lips together constantly today making them more and more chapped) I know something, even if I don't know what (I often don't), is causing my anxiety to flare up. I know I need to take time to calm myself, focus on letting go and relaxing, and ultimately have my medication on hand should it become needed.
It seems I learn something new about this problem of mine every day. The more educated I am about it the easier it becomes to deal with. I hope others can relate. :)
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Saturday, January 3, 2015
That Feeling...
I've done some research on my anxiety once I got out of that denial "Who me?" phase of things.
One of the best descriptions I've read of That Feeling is that it's like there is constantly a pack of hungry wolves at your back breathing down your neck ready to pounce.
For me it's a little different than that but just as scary.
All of a sudden there is a heavy weight, a pressure in my chest... it feels like a giant hand has thrust through my body and begun to squeeze my heart. That feeling ignites breathing issues, short panicked breathes caused by the very physically real feeling of pain that has manifested. The pressure doesn't relent and because I have anxiety it gets worse and worse. If you don't know what's happening to you it's easy to convince yourself you're dying or having a heart attack at the very least.
They say that this kind of anxiety affects more women than men and that many people go with it undiagnosed. Probably because we, women THINK TOO MUCH. We are the worriers, the nurturers, the ones that put the ones we feel are "ours" first, and Thinking and Worrying are the primary instigators of this panic.
Getting diagnosed is essential because this anxiety is Manageable with medication although it still isn't a cakewalk. A year of one kind of daily medication raised in potency a couple of times and I still get That Feeling... that tightness in my chest that gets worse the More I Think. I've had ups and downs, I have great days, great weeks, great months... and then I have months like this past month where the anxiety feels almost as bad as it did in the beginning. But I manage it day to day, week to week, and month to month... which makes the whole process way easier.
As long as I know this thing, my Nemesis, can be battled, and can happen and Does happen to more people than realize it I can deal with That Feeling... I can put a damper on the flames of panic that build up within me ready to snap. I can rationalize that I have this issue I have to deal with and I can keep it from wreaking havoc on my life. Anyone can with the right help.
One of the best descriptions I've read of That Feeling is that it's like there is constantly a pack of hungry wolves at your back breathing down your neck ready to pounce.
For me it's a little different than that but just as scary.
All of a sudden there is a heavy weight, a pressure in my chest... it feels like a giant hand has thrust through my body and begun to squeeze my heart. That feeling ignites breathing issues, short panicked breathes caused by the very physically real feeling of pain that has manifested. The pressure doesn't relent and because I have anxiety it gets worse and worse. If you don't know what's happening to you it's easy to convince yourself you're dying or having a heart attack at the very least.
They say that this kind of anxiety affects more women than men and that many people go with it undiagnosed. Probably because we, women THINK TOO MUCH. We are the worriers, the nurturers, the ones that put the ones we feel are "ours" first, and Thinking and Worrying are the primary instigators of this panic.
Getting diagnosed is essential because this anxiety is Manageable with medication although it still isn't a cakewalk. A year of one kind of daily medication raised in potency a couple of times and I still get That Feeling... that tightness in my chest that gets worse the More I Think. I've had ups and downs, I have great days, great weeks, great months... and then I have months like this past month where the anxiety feels almost as bad as it did in the beginning. But I manage it day to day, week to week, and month to month... which makes the whole process way easier.
As long as I know this thing, my Nemesis, can be battled, and can happen and Does happen to more people than realize it I can deal with That Feeling... I can put a damper on the flames of panic that build up within me ready to snap. I can rationalize that I have this issue I have to deal with and I can keep it from wreaking havoc on my life. Anyone can with the right help.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
When It Begins...
The first time I had a panic attack was a year ago and I was on my 45 minute commute home from work.
My chest suddenly felt heavy, my breathing grew short, and the symptoms were so startling and sudden I cried.
Fortunately I made it home but not matter what I did, lying down in bed, taking deep breaths, taking a hot shower... nothing alleviated what I was feeling.
I got in the car and drove to my boyfriend's apartment. I just knew I was having a heart attack and that he was going to have to take me to the hospital.
Once there locked super tightly in the strength of his embrace, however, I felt better, not great, but better. I figured it was all in my head and that it would go away after sleep. Maybe it was just stress.
Two days later I sat in my doctor's office waiting for him to come in. The nurse entered and asked about my symptoms and it happened. I couldn't breath, I started full out panicking, and tears poured from my eyes. I kept telling her "my chest, my chest, I think it's my heart!"
She took one look at me and said "Sweetie, you're having a panic attack it's going to be okay. Lot's of people get them. The doctor will get you all fixed up with something that will help settle you down."
When she left my mind raced. In one point of view I was ecstatic, it had a name and it was common and it was treatable. In another part of my mind I was even more freaked out. Me? Having panic attacks? I'm tough, I'm a go-getter, I am not the kind of woman who freaks out over nothing... I have complete control...
But I didn't. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and given medication to help balance myself out.
Even with the medicine and the assurance I'm not "crazy" it is something I deal with daily.
The largest problem at the moment is that I see myself as a sane, rational woman, I know that the things, the worries I have that stimulate this panic in my are illogical. They are nonsensical. There is NO NEED to become upset by them.... but my body's response doesn't listen to logic.
It's taken a year to get this far with my illness, to talk about it, to really try to understand what's happening in my brain and it's effects on my body.
It's a constant exploration of triggers and knowing how to calm myself down in attempts to lessen the medication I have to take.
I'm writing this blog mostly to get my feelings out there about what I'm going through, I think it will be therapeutic. But also I'd like any other strong women out there who think their minds and their logic are failing them to know it's not your fault. This is a real illness and you have no control over it, but it can be overcome.
My chest suddenly felt heavy, my breathing grew short, and the symptoms were so startling and sudden I cried.
Fortunately I made it home but not matter what I did, lying down in bed, taking deep breaths, taking a hot shower... nothing alleviated what I was feeling.
I got in the car and drove to my boyfriend's apartment. I just knew I was having a heart attack and that he was going to have to take me to the hospital.
Once there locked super tightly in the strength of his embrace, however, I felt better, not great, but better. I figured it was all in my head and that it would go away after sleep. Maybe it was just stress.
Two days later I sat in my doctor's office waiting for him to come in. The nurse entered and asked about my symptoms and it happened. I couldn't breath, I started full out panicking, and tears poured from my eyes. I kept telling her "my chest, my chest, I think it's my heart!"
She took one look at me and said "Sweetie, you're having a panic attack it's going to be okay. Lot's of people get them. The doctor will get you all fixed up with something that will help settle you down."
When she left my mind raced. In one point of view I was ecstatic, it had a name and it was common and it was treatable. In another part of my mind I was even more freaked out. Me? Having panic attacks? I'm tough, I'm a go-getter, I am not the kind of woman who freaks out over nothing... I have complete control...
But I didn't. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and given medication to help balance myself out.
Even with the medicine and the assurance I'm not "crazy" it is something I deal with daily.
The largest problem at the moment is that I see myself as a sane, rational woman, I know that the things, the worries I have that stimulate this panic in my are illogical. They are nonsensical. There is NO NEED to become upset by them.... but my body's response doesn't listen to logic.
It's taken a year to get this far with my illness, to talk about it, to really try to understand what's happening in my brain and it's effects on my body.
It's a constant exploration of triggers and knowing how to calm myself down in attempts to lessen the medication I have to take.
I'm writing this blog mostly to get my feelings out there about what I'm going through, I think it will be therapeutic. But also I'd like any other strong women out there who think their minds and their logic are failing them to know it's not your fault. This is a real illness and you have no control over it, but it can be overcome.
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